Are we afraid of intense emotion?
This question was raised recently in a discussion on how we tend to equate all high emotional states with sex. This seemed to be especially true of men.
Our culture has forbidden men to show much real emotion at all, and quite often this ‘shutting down’ of their emotion, has led men to categorize and box up intense emotional states with the physical act of intimacy.
This box, we put our sexuality into, is then also labelled taboo and shut up inside another box, just like a set of Russian dolls.
No wonder then, that many of us have either too many feelings about sex or lack feelings altogether. We try desperately to separate one from the other, but end up just feeling frustrated or numb.
I have worked with men, and underneath their initial drive to be physically pleasured, is a deep-seated insecurity about letting their feelings and emotions become involved. This often brings up shame, self doubt, and sometimes leads to various male dysfunctions.
As we uncover the layers of these issues, it is often surprising to find that a man will bring up a deep-seated grief, or intense longing. Perhaps they find a wonderful desire for pleasure and intimacy that they haven’t known how to deal with before. Society gives men little alternative, but to be the strong, silent, always got it together, person.
Is this really how we want our men to be?
Perhaps its time for emotions to be a shared experience by all genders. Maybe women don’t have to shoulder all of the emotional burden, leaving the stoic, protector archetype to the men.
In a way, our gradual letting go of the gender stereotypes, and allowing of people to just be the way they naturally are, is un-stacking these Russian dolls of emotion and intimacy, that box us into pre-defined gender roles.
So how would it be if intense emotions were accepted for what they were?
We could be sad, angry, ecstatic, afraid, passionate…. And it would all be ok!
We wouldn’t have to hide our emotions under the guise of physical pleasuring. Neither would we have to be emotionless while enjoying intimacy.
Both emotions and sex could just be what they are. Normal, healthy expressions of being human.
The sacredness of both sexuality and emotions as felt in the body are slowly becoming more accepted. This ability to feel is paramount to experiencing the full spectrum of humanness.
It is my mission to help as many people as possible to expand their ability to feel, and to accept how they feel, right now, in the moment. Whatever that is.
This acceptance is a core part of my practice as an Intimacy Educator. I endeavour to welcome all my clients with tolerance and acceptance, respect and curiosity.
You can book a free online 30 minute consult with me if you are interested in exploring what is possible at this intersection of sexuality and intimacy. I look forward to talking with you.