So it seems that there is another myth to be looked at around relationships and love. The idea that there is one right person for us out there somewhere in the world, and we just have to find them. According to Dan Savage, the relationship and sex columnist, this is a destructive myth that we need to let go of in order to feel joy and fulfillment in our relationships.
We are often told as kids, that when we grow up, we will find our soul-mate and we will marry and settle down and that will be that. However, this is hardly ever the case. So many people, even clients of mine, have expressed doubt about their partner. Things like,
‘Do you think he IS the right one for me?’
‘What if there is someone better out there, and I don’t find them because I’m stuck where I am?’
‘I love them, but they are not perfect’
These kinds of doubts and thoughts can end up wreaking havoc in relationships which, on the whole, are doing quite well. I’m not talking about convincing yourself that an abusive partner is ok and you should make the best of it. I’m speaking about those whispering doubts about the grass being greener kind of thing.
What if we accepted that someone who was our 0.64% (to quote Dan again) could be a great partner.We can offer them the compassion and the generosity to round them up to our perfect 1, remembering that they are probably doing the same with us!
We take all the amazing things they bring to our lives, and we forgive and embrace the 30% or so that could use some improvement. This generosity of spirit is often not talked about, but is a crucial part of any long term committed relationship. This is the compromise we make to walk the path of partnership.
In some ways, realizing that our partner is offering us that gift of seeing our best qualities and being patient with the rest, is what strengthens our love, for our self and for them. We are being accepted and loved for who we are, and surely we can offer this to others also?
So,the next time those doubts creep into your head, when mostly things are going great. Take a moment to reflect on all the great things about your person. Are they kind, do they take out the trash, do they light up around your kids, do they hold you when you have had a really bad day?
Maybe extend a little generosity around the fact that they left the top of the toothpaste off, or forgot to pick up bread on the way home, or were too sick to go to parent teacher meetings with you, or didn’t have the energy to take you dancing last week. Perhaps this is the way things really are. 0.64% rounded up to 1?
Our mind plays tricks on us if we let it, it will sometimes create mountains out of molehills. (Trauma and abuse can lead us to do the opposite and make molehills where there are really mountains, but this is a topic for another blog).
Relationships are things we need to put our time and care into, so they grow and flourish. Is your relationship needing some TLC? Do you want some ideas and tips on how to improve your passion, desire and love?
Book a free consult with me and lets talk about where you would like to be with your partner. I’ve worked with couples around sex, intimacy, desire and healthy boundaries that foster phenomenal relationships.