Do you try and control yourself or do you attempt to control your environment?
If there is one issue that is almost universal, it is this desire to be in control. Most of us on some level believe that control is the key to mastering our life.
If I could get on track and stick to my diet.
If I could only get him to see my point of view.
If the weekend would just go a bit slower.
If...if... if only.....
None of us wants to admit to being a control freak, but if we look closely in the mirror, we usually can find some fear about being ‘out of control’, which leads to us needing to be ‘in control’.
So how does this affect us when we try and get it on in the bedroom?
Well, that depends on how you answered my initial question.
If you try to control yourself, then often your intimate acts become more like a performance. You want to control whats going on in your body, whether that is having an orgasm at the right time, or not letting your ‘weird’ desire come up and freak out your partner.
If you try to control your environment, then perhaps you can’t relax because the lighting is wrong, or the next door neighbour is drilling holes in the wall. Perhaps you want your partner to do this ‘thing’ at just the right time, and they just won’t cooperate and you feel like everything is lost in that crucial moment.
Do you see where I’m going with this? Yeah exactly, nowhere very sexy, that’s for sure. All this control is wreaking havoc in our relationships, and yes, in our bodies too!
If there is one thing that great sex requires, (barring the scenario where dominance and control are part of the pleasure) it is to let go of control. To surrender to that wild and joyful feeling of pleasure and freedom, and let our desire run rampant.
If this idea scares the heck out of you, you are not alone. Most of us surrender control in microscopic bits, only when we are out of other options. Often we have had negative past experiences where being out of control ended in pain, heartache, or disaster. Letting go of control again requires us to be fully present in the Now moment, and loosen the bonds of those fears.
One tip that I have found consistently helps in this process, (and it is a process!) is to slow down. When we go slower, we can stay with our feelings as they arise in the moment. We can talk to our control freak self, and tell it to go on a vacation, because we are in surrender mode. Slowing down, helps us to notice that where we are, right now, actually might feel good, maybe even great!
Intimacy is one place where we can practice slowing down and taking notice. Perhaps working with a coach or somatic sex therapist is where you need to start to let go of some control over your self, your body or your surroundings. This doesn’t mean you aren’t in consent and in power over what you want to happen, but just an opportunity to feel safe or safer with another human being. And this is really how any good intimate encounter should start, by feeling safe.
If you’d like to find out more about anything I offer in my practice, why not book a free consult? There is much to gain from stepping out of your comfort zone!