I’ll Tell You Mine If You Tell Me Yours

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I’ve recently had some conversations with male clients and I had an aHa moment I wanted to share with you all!

Many men are secretly ashamed of their sexual desires.

Now if your first response as a man to reading this is ‘what?!? Me??’ I’d invite you to take a deep breath and keep reading. (Women you can read too... we are not immune to this phenomenon either)

I know I’m a woman, and I can’t possibly get into the male head space completely, but I do notice things. And here is what I noticed....

Men often are full of shame for things they think about, scenarios they wish could happen to them, that their fantasies aren’t ‘OK’.  And they are so afraid of these things, that they sometimes manifest sexual dysfunctions, perversions, or some kind of secret erotic behaviour that has a detrimental effect on their life.

This kind of secret shame can get so severe it inhibits a man from being able to have an intimate relationship at all.

Think about it.

  • sex and porn addiction

  • Pedophilia

  • Rape

  • Abuse

  • Mistreatment of women and other minorities

Where does all this stuff come from?

Is it possible a big piece of the puzzle is to realize that we have not learned to take responsibility and even pleasure in our own auto-eroticism? We are all human, and we are all sexual on some level. We all have unique tastes, desires, fantasies and ways of enjoying our bodies and each other. We are all ‘queer’ at the core of our beings.

Now I am not saying we suddenly accept obviously inappropriate behaviour, but surely it is worth facing and talking about, in the right context.

This is the most prevalent request for validation I get when coaching clients. “Am I normal? Am I OK? Do you think I’m a sexual weirdo?”.

Especially from men.

We women have our own insecurities and vulnerabilities of course, and shame is a universal feeling. But don’t you think, if we could support ourselves and each other in our sexual weirdness, that we could take the shame down a couple of notches? Without so much shame, maybe we could actually connect more, welcome intimacy, love each other.

It’s worth a shot!

Speaking to a professional sex coach or therapist can be the first step in owning your own unique style of sexuality. We are trained to be open-minded and non-judgmental and we have faced a lot of our own fears in this realm. (Still working on those personally!! )

If you are feeling courageous and ready to step into your personal auto-erotic self, reach out, book a free consult. I’ll be here!


In pleasure,