Today I wanted to attempt to unravel an awareness that recently arose in my own tantric practice. Every day, for half an hour, I sit and breathe into my chakras and practice something called the ‘microcosmic orbit’, which is basically moving energy up and down the body. As you might imagine, this movement, by itself, begins to clear out blockages and barriers to the energy flow. Sometimes, I feel this as vibrations, sometimes as emotions, and sometimes as a feeling of being able to breathe more deeply.
But today, the feelings that were stirred up and moved, had more to do with memories. Memories of my childhood, in grade school, and the dynamics of my relationships there. What I realized as these thoughts surfaced was that I had always been treated as ‘special’ by my teachers. I was smart, and a ‘good student’, and so I was marked out as the ‘teacher’s pet’. This had the dubious mixed blessing, of alienating me from my peers, while elevating me above the status of the other kids. I was closer to the teachers than the kids my age.
This is interesting enough on its own, as a realization, but a further awareness edged into my consciousness of how the male teachers related to me. I was often teased, even flirted with, and given special tasks in the classroom. Of course I liked the attention, but there was an overtone of erotic excitement present, that I did not know how to deal with as a ten or eleven year old girl.
Having a ‘crush’ on your teacher is probably a common experience for most of us, but having the feelings returned, even in a ‘mostly’ innocent manner, by an adult, is overwhelming to our physically immature self, as a child or pre-teen. Little wonder then, that I learned to shut down my own erotic feelings at a young age.
I am just beginning to realize how prevalent and confused our society is in the realms of sexual energy and arousal. We seem to use and abuse this energy in countless ways, possibly accounting for much distress and even harm to our true selves.
What always seemed to me to be a ‘special relationship’ with more than one male teacher in my past, may have been one of the many experiences that caused me to create inner barriers to my own pleasure.
I am re-committed to exploring this path of integration and wholeness. As I gain more insight into the patterns and memories in my own experience and hold space for understanding and healing for clients, I feel this will come into focus.
What are your memories and body experiences of arousal and erotic energy?
I’d love to hear your thoughts and stories. If you are aware that your own patterns may be coming up to be felt and released or integrated, so that you can experience more pleasure in your present self, and you would like to explore this with Somatic Coaching, book a free consult with me.
You can book time to talk to me and plan your next steps to enliven your body and relationships by visiting my website www.pleasureforhealth.com and click on ‘book time with ailsa’ tab.