It seems unfortunate that for so many people, the experience of feeling desired is not a familiar one. From the moment we are born, or maybe even earlier, we feel the energy of those around us. We can tell if we are wanted and desired if we bring joy to those close to us. The way our parent’s eyes light up when we gurgle happily from our crib. We reach out our tiny hands and they are held lovingly.
It seems to me to be the biggest travesty to deny another human being this feeling. So many of us have grown up lacking the knowledge that we are loved. We are like hungry ghosts looking for solace anywhere we can. We cannot completely fill this void from other people with similar emptiness. We can beg or borrow for a short time, but if no one is filling up the reservoir of love, there is just never enough to go around.
So given that this is such a common longing, what can we do?
One gift we can offer as Somatic Sex Educators is to be there to listen to our clients, without judgments. Often, I have heard the same request, albeit in different words.
“I just want to be desired!”
“I want someone to want me.”
“I want to feel what it is like to have my partner take pleasure in me”
“I want to be ravished!”
This is the stuff of romance novels. We crave the experience of being desired, and if nothing else we will read about it and imagine we are the heroine of the story.
Often it is the case as I speak to clients, that they have not experienced being touched by someone with desire before. They have not felt what it is to have someone lust after them or their body. It always amazes me how healing this can be. The stunned joy that lights up their face, as they realize that the other person WANTS them!
In a session we can play with this in a safe container, so the client can open and allow themselves to feel. We always discuss boundaries and work initially with very safe requests and touch.
“May I stroke the back of your hand lightly, and feel your skin?” Might be a request I would make. I would ask this way because I want to take pleasure in touching them, from feeling their skin.
“Do you really enjoy that?” They might question. We are so unused to the feeling of truly being desired, it is hard to believe it is true when it shows up.
“Your skin is so smooth, and I love to feel the shape of your fingers.” I can always find something to love about a body, we are all so unique and beautiful.
Just this small comment, this assurance that someone is enjoying them and their body, sometimes opens up a myriad of desires and longings that have been repressed.
Tears come, ‘Thank you’ they often say stunned. “I didn’t even know I missed that so much.”
The feeling of wonder and self-confidence we get from even such a small experience is monumental. It can be such a powerful healing for the many times we were ignored, shunned, overlooked, or even abused.
“Love makes your soul crawl out of its hiding place” is a quote I like. Allowing ourselves to feel desired, allowing another person to desire us, feeling into the ancient longing of this is one of the greatest gifts I have seen from this work.
How would you feel if you knew you were desired by someone whom you loved? I know it makes me feel like the most beautiful, sexiest version of myself! It brings out my radiance!
I would wish for you this week, an experience of being desired. Desire yourself! Feel the Divine’s love for you, or ask a beloved partner or friend to show their desire for you in some way that feels exquisitely right for you.
Let me know how that goes!
With love and desire,